hilarisch 03-11-16Steve Stiffbone

Weleens van Berghain in Berlijn gehoord? Dit is een hele duistere technoclub waar binnen niet gefilmd en gefotografeerd mag worden. Als je al binnen komt, want de club staat erom bekend dat je als normaal persoon niet binnenkomt. Tenzij je zo normaal bent dat je er eigenlijk weer abnormaal uitziet. Maar bezoekers die wel binnenkomen moeten hun mobieltje laten zien en op de camera’s van deze mobieltjes wordt een sticker geplakt zodat je geen foto’s kan nemen. Er is zelfs een Instagram account die foto’s plaatst van mensen die zo’n Berghain sticker op hun mobiel hebben zitten. Maak je toch foto’s of een video en je wordt betrapt, dan kom je op de zwarte lijst van de club te staan en mag je nooit meer naar binnen.

Het bekende Berghain No photo policy bord.

Een plek dus waar maar weinig mensen over mee kunnen praten. En ene Kyle W. uit San Antonio, een stad in de Amerikaanse staat Texas kan dat wel. Hij ontmoette twee mannen uit Londen die hem overhaalden om mee te gaan naar "Worlds Coolest Nightclub". Brave Kyle voldeed per ongeluk aan de zeer strenge niet bekende deureisen en een paar uur later verliet hij gechoqueerd de club in het voormalige elektriciteitsgebouw in Oost-Berlijn.

Kyle ziet er zo gewoon uit en kwam toch binnen.

Kyle was zelfs zo gechoqueerd dat hij besloot om in de pen te klimmen en een recensie op Yelp achter te laten. Normaal is Kyle best scheutig met sterren. Zo gaf hij onlangs nog vijf sterren aan Florio’s Pizza en de McDonald’s in zijn eigen stad en bejubelde hij Treasures, een stripclub in Houston. Berghain kreeg maar één ster, maar kreeg wel zijn langste recensie ooit. En het lezen van die recensie is echt genieten!

De recensie

Please excuse the long review, but I’m going to share with you my experience at Berghain. I was in Berlin a couple weeks ago and I was sitting in my hotel bar. I started chatting with a couple guys from London. They seemed normal and told me they were getting ready to head to the worlds coolest night club. I figure it’s Saturday night…what the hell. So I ask them if I can tag along. They said no problem. One of them informs me that I should probably change clothes because this place is hard to get into, but they had a connection. They recommended that I go change into black, simple clothes. No buttons on the shirts and no hoodies. They said if I had a black scarf, that would be awesome. Said the door guy loves scarves and black clothes. So I go change and come back down to the lobby. We hail a cab and are now off to this place called Berghain.

Upon arriving...I see this super long line that’s leading into what looks like a commercial building of some sort. I’d liken it to a warehouse. It’s not inviting at all. The guys from London tell me we are going to cut in line. While we are standing there looking for the spot to cut, I take out my phone to check Facebook. One of the London guys goes into a rage and starts cussing me out and grabs my phone. Yelling…”DON’T LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. DON’T USE IT!” “THEY WON’T LET US IN!”…Anyway…we get to the front of the line and there’s this creepy looking, older guy with ear rings–face tats and spikes in his lips. Supposedly he’s some type of guru in the club scene. He’s a weird guy and yes he had a scarf on. He looks me up and down and then waves us in using his pinky…Now things are about to get really weird.

Once inside, the music is blasting too loud. You could feel it in your chest. I thought the bass was going to set my heart off rhythm. I tell the two guys from London…”Let’s go get a beer!”...They look at me like I am crazy. They offer me these strange looking little pills and I pass. No drugs for me. They both pop them and then start making out! I’m not talking about a little kiss or a peck, I’m talking open-mouth, tongue kissing. It was very aggressive/disturbing kissing. I didn’t even know these dudes were gay! I look around and there are 3 or 4 naked guys dancing all crazy with erections. I decide to go get a beer and I tell myself—maybe I’m in the wrong part of the club? Maybe this is the gay section. Nope. The whole club is the gay section!

On the way to grab a beer, I pass in disbelief, a bearded guy butt fucking the crap out of another bearded dude. You could smell feces and sweat. I take my eyes off of that situation and it only gets worse. There’s another guy, and I kid you not…he’s got his arm, almost to his elbow, up another guys ass! I thought it was a magic trick or an illusion. It WASN’T! The guy that’s basically getting impaled is enjoying it! I saw one guy getting tag teamed (double penetration style) by 2 guys! I said to hell with this...I’m out of here! As I’m leaving, I remember that one of those Londoner’s has my phone. So I need to go to find him.

Now there are naked guys everywhere! Sucking each other off. Fisting each other. There was one dude that was riding another guy (cowgirl style) and yelling “Balles Tief!” “Balles Tief!”...I ask the dude next to me...”What’s he screamin?!”...He informs “Balles Tief” is German for “Balls Deep”...

This Nazi looking guy comes up to me with a syringe and acts like he’s going to stick me with it. I jump back and think about beating the shit out of him and he starts laughing and in very bad English says “You vant chemical to keep wake and make you high?”…As I’m saying “NO!”...a loud siren/whistle starts blowing and the whole club starts going bananas! I ask this guy who looks like a vampire…”What the hell is that? Is there a fire or terrorist or something?”…He does this weird giggle and say’s the siren means it’s “Slip and Slide time!”…100’s of guys, the ones that aren’t already naked, drop there pants and start masturbating on the dance floor. Evidently, you are supposed to ejaculate on the floor and make it slippy and then naked guys go sliding through it! WTF! I look back and that vampire looking dude is jerking off in my direction. I throw a beer bottle at him and start hauling ass out of there.

I run past this one guy that seems to be injured and he’s asking for help. I’m a pretty nice guy, so I ask what happened. He bends over and you can see this silicone/rubber looking object barely protruding out of his butt. You could barely see it. He then explains that he had shoved a rubber arm with fist up there and it was stuck! This guy thinks I’m going to help pull it out?!? Get the fuck out of here!

I finally get to the exit and I yell to that weirdo door man “YOU SICK BASTARD!”…I hail a cab and make it back to my hotel. That was my experience at the “worlds coolest night club”..I can handle a lot of stuff, but this place was WAY over the top. I will not be back. Never.

Sven Marquardt, een bouncer van Berghain

Er staan dus 6 van zulke bouncers aan de deur die beslissen of jij wel of niet naar binnen mag. Altijd dus een back up plan in de vorm van een ander feestje achter de hand houden als je Berghain wil bezoeken. Kans is groot dat je dit back up plan nodig hebt om toch een feestje te kunnen vieren.

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